


Contact

by Death_as_a_Verb



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gay Character, Gay Panic, Internalized Homophobia, Kinda, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 20:36:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21185630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Death_as_a_Verb/pseuds/Death_as_a_Verb
Summary: I’m not good at words.I’m better at actions, although most of the time I hide my real feelings and thoughts behind a wall so big and thick it would make Donald Trump jealous. I usually don’t have to use words or actions to describe how I feel.





	Contact

I like to touch him.

I like to pull him gently by the collar of his jacket to make him sit across from me, I like to playfully mess up his hair, I like to drape my arm across his shoulders, I like to put my hand on the small of his back, I like to touch him.

I don’t know why. Most of the touches are pointless. Like when I pull his collar, I could just ask him to sit in the armchair across from the sofa, I don’t need to physically make him; what if he didn’t want to? Or when I put my hand on the small of his back it’s to guide him but he usually is already heading in that direction, so I don’t need to do that. Don’t get me started on why I mess up his hair or drape my arm over his shoulders, those I can’t even justify.

He’s too shy to say anything about my touches even if they were unwanted. At least that’s what a little bit of me says. I’d like to think that if they were bothering him, he’d say something. After all I am his best friend.

Part of me thinks that he secretly enjoys my little touches. He doesn’t shy away from them like he does when anyone else touches him and he almost never flinches when I touch him.

Another part of me believes that he sees how the little touches make me happy and he’s just so self-sacrificing that he’s willing to put up with some discomfort to make me happy. I don’t like this part of me, I tell it to fuck off a lot but it never seems to listen.

I’m not good at words.

I’m better at actions, although most of the time I hide my real feelings and thoughts behind a wall so big and thick it would make Donald Trump jealous. I usually don’t have to use words or actions to express how I feel.

Right off the bat when this whole “touching him” thing started I don’t think much of it. Whatever I like to do, I do, whatever I don’t like to do, I don’t do. It’s simple. Or it was.

Before the “touching him” thing I liked to do things like shut off my morning alarm for school and sleep for a few more hours or have sex with hot girls or tease my friends. Those things are harmless, and if I enjoy doing it, how bad can it be?

So when I was at Dunkin’ Donuts with Felix and I thought it would be nice to put my hand on the small of his back to guide him to an empty table. Then I realized how nice it was to touch him and I liked doing it so I didn’t question it.

When we went to the movies I thought it wouldn’t hurt anyone if I put my arm around him. It’s completely chill for two guys to show platonic physical affection towards each other, it’s 2019. Plus our two other friends, Pedro and Nick, cuddle with each other all the time, no big deal.

Then it spiraled out of control. Now whenever Felix is next to me I find any and every excuse to touch him. Stray hair falling in his eyes, a piece of lint on his clothes that doesn’t actually exist, when I want to tell him something and even though I already have his attention, I still nudge his arm, the list goes on.

Other people are noticing too. The other day Teddi, Nick’s younger sister, looked over at me when I put my arm around Felix while we were watching a movie and raised her eyebrows at me while smirking, giving me a knowing look. I wanted to remove my arm but that would be really weird because I had just put it there and it would draw more attention if I moved it back.

Felix didn’t seem to notice Teddi’s look. He just kept being the perfect ray of sunshine he is while completely captivated by _Crimes of Grindelwald_. I might be crazy but I could’ve sworn I felt him move closer to me.

This other time me, Felix, Pedro, Nick, Teddi, and our other friend, Alex, drove into the city together to go to a party. Felix isn’t much of a party person, he thinks there’s too many people, too much drinking, and it’s too loud, but we convinced him to come along anyway. At parties, typically, I get shitfaced but Felix hates everything to do with alcohol because his mom’s got this terrible drinking problem so that night I only had one beer and stuck to mostly water after that even though Nick was the designated driver that night.

On the way home from the party, Felix and I were in the back bench seats of Nick and Teddi’s mom’s minivan. Felix was falling asleep (it was like 1 in the morning and we had just been at a party so of course the kid was tired) so I let him use my lap as a pillow so he could lay down. I kind of got lost in the moment, I’ll admit, but can you blame me? It was late at night, I was tired, Billie Eilish was playing, 30 minutes earlier we’d gotten tacos from Burger King of all places, okay, it felt like the inside of Mrs. Deveroux’s minivan was a different dimension.

Anyway, I kind of got lost in the moment and I was running my fingers through Felix’s hair (It was kind greasy, like he needed a shower but I don’t think I’m in any place to tell him that so yeah). Alex looked back at us and was all like, “Awe, you guys are so cute.”

Then, about a month ago, I randomly thought about what it would be like to kiss him. There’s a problem now. The problem being, I can't stop thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. But it’s not like that. I don’t have a crush on him or anything. I don’t. This is just plain old physical attraction, that’s it. It’ll go away in a few months. Right?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes. Would y’all like for me to continue this? I’m kinda on the fence about it but I have a few ideas for it.


End file.
